And This Just In ... - Issue #10

News that blows you away.

Rishi Ram’s Ultimatum to FNPF Board:
“Clean up or I’ll do it for you”

The General Secretary of the Taxi Operator’s Union Rishi Ram has given an ultimatum to the FNPF board to clean up by midday tomorrow or he’ll do it for them.

The relationship between Ram and the FNPF board, especially member Felix Anthony has been deteriorating over the last few weeks, with both parties engaged in a war of words.

When asked by the media why he as Secretary General of the Taxi Operator’s Union was concerning himself in affairs that were not his concern Ram replied: “I am General Secretary of the Taxi Operator’s Union not only for the taxi operators but for everyone – the boy shining shoes on the street, the women selling kaikoso in the market, those engaged in DVD piracy and even the men selling ganja on Suva streets.

Asked by journalists what exactly he intends to do in the clean-up campaign, Ram responded.

“I’ll weed all the gardens around the FNPF building; I’ll scrub all the toilets; I’ll clean the drains, scrub the pavements and fill all the potholes around Ellery Street.”

But Ram has not only accused board members of keeping FNPF buildings and surroundings dirty but for actually being filthy themselves. He has accused Anthony and board member James Dutta of not taking a daily shower or shaving their arm pits. He has accused other members of having nasal hair protruding 2 inches out of their nostrils and accumulating toe jam and dirt in their belly buttons.

‘I will be armed with tweezers, nail cutters and nail files. I will file nails; pluck all hair protruding from nostrils, from inside the ears and I will clean belly buttons. I have given them sufficient warning to clean up or I would do it for them. I think for too long members have suffered under a dirty board. Well not anymore.”

Ram revealed that after cleaning up FNPF he intends to clean up the interim administration starting by doing Frank’s laundry in Sukuna Park.

And in other news …

Mahend Chaudry to hire assistant Mahend Chaudry

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©2009 And This Just In …

And This Just In ... - Issue #9

News that is not really news but really Alipate Miller’s laundry list.

RISHI RAM NOT REALLY RISHI RAM BUT REALLY RISHI RAM

The General Secretary of the Taxi Operators Union, Rishi Ram announced in a press conference in Suva today that he is not really Rishi Ram the General Secretary of the Taxi Operators Union, but really Rishi Ram the chairman of the Public Service Commission.

When asked by journalists why he had been masquerading as Rishi Ram, the General Secretary of the Taxi Operators Union, Ram responded that being Rishi Ram the General Secretary of the Taxi Operators Union was more glamorous than being Rishi Ram, Chairman of the Public Service Commission.

“The pay is much better, the hours are flexible, I get to appear on television a lot more, plus I am much better looking as Rishi Ram, General Secretary of the Taxi Operators Union than when I had been Rishi Ram, Chairman of the PSC.”

But the revelation has sent shockwaves through the International Community of Realists, many questioning the very meaning of reality. Dr. Sickmond Fried a renowned psychologist at the John Hopkins University, who is not really Dr. Sickmond Fried a renowned psychologist at the John Hopkins University, but really Sickmond Fried a potato farmer from Idaho, suggested the world had suddenly gone out of sync.

“His revelation means we can no longer believe what is in front of us. Black could really be white, night could be day and I could really be a potato farmer from Idaho … which I really am.”

Others have suggested that Ram’s revelation is merely the tip of the iceberg.

“If Rishi Ram, the General Secretary is really Rishi Ram the Chairman of the PSC, then who really is the current Rishi Ram the Chairman of the PSC, and who really is the man whose place Rishi Ram the Chairman of the PSC has taken and who really is …?”

Hours after Ram’s revelation more people came forward to reveal their true identity including Rishi Ram the Chairman of the PSC who revealed he really was Rishi Ram, a rice farmer from Dreketi; and Mahendra Chaudhry who really was Mahendra Chaudhry an income tax officer from Haryana.

But more shocking were the revelations of those who claimed to be someone with a totally different name: Ben Padarath revealed he was really Lavenia Padarath; Sitiveni Rabuka was really Elvis Presley; Angie Heffernen really Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono; and Frank Bainimarama, really one of the giant robots from the Transformers.

And in other news …

Global Warming really The Big Bang

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2008 And This Just In …

And This Just In ... - Issue #8

News.

No charter, no Christmas

THERE will be no Christmas this year if politicians do not support the proposed People’s Charter, says the interim Prime Minister.

And he warned that Christmas was just the start and that if some people continued to oppose the charter he will issue a decree making Diwali, World Teacher’s Day and even Mother’s Day illegal.

Commodore Voreqe Bainimarama made it clear that the military would ensure the political party that wins the next general election, scheduled for next year, followed the charter, which contained clear guidelines on personal hygiene and basic sanitation.

He said the army had undertaken the clean-up campaign in 2006 against Lasenia Qarase’s government because members of that government, including Qarase himself, were not practicing proper body hygiene and basic sanitation.

“During the clean-up campaign, the army had personally cleaned the homes and offices of members of Qarase’s government. We vacuumed carpets, cleaned toilets and even removed graffiti from the walls of Parliament, written mainly by Qoroniasi Bale and Mere Samisoni. On a personal level we removed lice from, and then shampooed and conditioned hair of Qarase’s team; we shaved armpits, and removed every ear and nasal hair. I personally trimmed Qarase’s moustache, which had been long, unkempt and breeding a great variety of wildlife.”

Bainimarama added that the army had stepped in to end the ‘culture of filth’ in Fiji and that this could be achieved through the charter. He said individuals who wanted to contest the next election had to display great personal hygiene and have a clean bill of health.

“The charter contains clear guidelines on personal hygiene and basic sanitation. It contains a list of all the soaps, shampoos and deodorants that those wishing to be part of any government must use. It also contains a list of all the detergents (mainly De Power – oi lei na De Power!) they must use when cleaning up their homes and offices. The next time we will not allow unclean individuals to be part of government – we will check armpits, in between toes, inside belly buttons, and every other orifice that could be harboring germs,” said Bainimarama.

Bainimarama said that the army was committed to making Fiji a clean place for all and that if making it clean meant depriving the citizens of Christmas, Mothers Day and other holidays that they so loved, then there was no other way.

But Bainimarama’s declaration hasn’t gone down well with members of the SDL and NFP parties. In a joint statement party leaders Laisenia Qarase and Pramod Rai said:

“Being dirty is a God-given right and we intend to exercise that right as soon as we come to power next year.”

And in other news …

PSC Chairman, Rishi Ram, to join Fiji women’s basketball team

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©2007 And This Just In …

And This Just In ... - Issue #7

News others don’t dare to tell.


PARMESH CHAND TAKES ON STAGE NAME


The former C. E. O for Public Enterprises and the current Permanent Secretary in the Prime Minister’s Office Parmesh Chand has taken on a stage name. He will now be referred to in all his media and public appearances as ‘Da Man’. This comes in response to the almost daily appearances he has been making on television.

Chand paid tribute to his old name saying it had served him well but that it was time to be called something else.

“I just cannot go on being called Parmesh Chand. It’s too ordinary. I need something more glitzy and more marketable and certainly sexier!”

He said the name ‘Parmesh Chand’ was appropriate at a time when he was a nobody but now that he was so famous it was time for a change.

“Let’s face it,” he said, “today I am the most famous man in Fiji. I mean who in Fiji appears more on television than I? Hello!”

It has been reported that Chand has also hired a makeup artist and out-of-work Bollywood agent to assist him in his time of fame. Asked why he chose the name ‘Da Man’ Chand said the choice had not been easy. He said he consulted many quack doctors in Labasa and read countless issues of Smash Hits and Filmfare Magazines without success.

Chand said he had considered the names ‘P C Diddy’, ‘P C Hammer’ and ‘Li’l Chand’ as a way of reaching out to the younger generation but decided to settle on ‘Da Man’.

“It’s short, easy to remember and to the point. Plus it aptly describes who I am – the man. I am the man baby!”

Chand also said that changing one’s name with one’s fortune was not a new trend.

“Do you think George Michael would have ‘made it big’ with a stupid name like Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou?”

Chand is currrently involved in talks with the National Broadcasting Corporation of the United States to produce a television script he’s written on his life called “Everybody Loves Parmesh.” The story is about the life of the real Parmesh Chand, although in the credits he will not be introduced as Parmesh Chand but ‘Da Man’.

And in other news …

Former Prime Minister Lasenia Qarase changes name to ‘Former Lasenia Qarase’.

©2007 And This Just In …

And This Just In ... - Issue #6

News that makes you wanna stand on your head and say ‘hubba hubba hubba’.

Prominent Suva Lawyers Disagree On Who’s ‘Suva’s Most Prominent Lawyer’

Prominent Suva lawyers Richard Naidu, Jon Apted, Rajendra Chaudhary and Abhay Singh were involved in a brawl in Suva’s Traps Night Club last night. According to eyewitnesses the brawl followed a heated exchange between the four on should be called ‘Suva’s most prominent Suva lawyer’ by the media.

Munro Leys lawyer Jon Apted argued that he should be called the most prominent lawyer as he was frequently seen on the pavement outside O’Reily’s smoking a cigarette.

“In section p, page 1013, column 2 of the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary you will find that the word prominent means ‘easily seen or noticeable’. Every citizen of Suva must have seen or noticed me one time or the other loitering Suva street corners with a cigarette in hand or sometimes just simply loitering. Now that’s prominent baby!”

His colleague Richard Naidu suggested that Apted was ‘a jackass’ and that every person in their right mind knew that he, Naidu, was the most prominent lawyer.”

“Hey! I was almost cooked in a lovo in 1987 and this year I was left in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere with no money, no mobile phone and no chewing gum. Plus who’s like so smart that he’s called up to present his learned analysis every time there’s a crisis? Apted? I don’t think so!”

Rajendra Chaudry said he should be called ‘Suva’s most prominent lawyer’ not because of any achievements on his part but because ‘like his dad was so famous and all’.

In a strange twist, Secretary General of the Taxi Operators Union Rishi Ram emerged from the men’s toilet totally smashed, wearing a curry-stained vest and Shrek boxer shorts and proclaimed that he, Rishi Ram, was Suva’s most prominent lawyer. The quartet, who was by now engaged in tag wrestling, Abhay and his partner Naidu biting Apted’s foot, took a breather to remind Ram that he was not even a lawyer.

“I moan and bitch. I appear on television all the time talking real loud to show how intelligent I am. I enjoy lying to people. I generally blow a lot of hot air and I have a very elevated view of myself. If that doesn’t make me a lawyer then what does?” said Ram.

In another twist to the strange saga interim prime minister Commodore Frank Bainimarama today decreed that from henceforth only he, Frank Bainimarama, should be referred to as ‘Suva’s most prominent lawyer’. This decree will be gazetted in the next few days, once he is officially sworn in by the attorney general as ‘Suva’s Most Prominent Lawyer’ and once in effect, anyone caught referring to anyone other than the Commander as ‘Suva’s most prominent lawyer’ will bear the wrath of the Commander.

“Citizen’s who break this law should be prepared to run the new obstacle course in Nabua designed by Kenneth Zinck,” said Fiji Military Forces spokesperson Major Neumi Leweni.

And in other news:

Interim PM new President of International Leper’s Association

©2007 And This Just In …

And This Just In ... - Issue #5

News … so just shut up!

Tuesday July 2, 2007 — Issue # 5

Jesus and Allah to Sue Vayeshnoi

Two Lords of the Universe, Jesus the Lamb of God and Allah (there is no other but Allah) are contemplating legal action against Fiji’s interim minister Lekh Ram Vayeshnoi for his recent comments that the December 5th Coup was ‘God-sent’. Speaking to journalists via video phone from Heaven today the two categorically denied having sanctioned the coup and said they would be hiring the Suva-based law firm Munro Leys to proceed with legal action against Vayeshnoi.

“This is unforgivable,” said an irate and historically forgiving Jesus. “Hello! Just when did I sanction the coup? As far as I can recall all December I was just too caught up with trying to straighten Paris (Hilton) out to have time for other things.”

The normally shy and reserved Allah also expressed similar sentiments.

“Yeh December was hectic and Jesus and I consulted our schedules and he decided to deal with Paris Hilton while I tried to deal with the fuck-up (pardon my French) Bush has created called ‘Iraq’. But I think Brahma might have had something to do with it.”

But when asked by journalists Brahma also categorically denied having sanctioned the December 5th coup.

“I do remember receiving a prayer from Frank (Bainimarama) and Mahen (Chaudhry) asking me to sanction the coup. Mahen especially was keen, I being the Lord of his people and all but the problem was the timing. I had been promising the kids a vacation for so long and in December I just had to fulfill that promise. Plus the wife threatened to throw me out if we didn’t go. So yeh it was not I who sanctioned the coup. But I am delighted to tell you we had an awesome vacation in the Himalayas.”

When asked by journalists whether he would have considered sanctioning the coup had he not gone on vacation, Brahma responded.

“Although I support Frank’s principles – you know getting rid of corruption and corrupt people and all - I am not too happy with the methods he used (boy didn’t you just get tired of hearing that in May 2000). Yeh so probably at that time I would not have sanctioned the coup.”

In another twist to the story, the Prince of Darkness, Satan, suddenly materialized from thin air at the press conference, clad from head to toe in a body-clutching red leather suit and fuming (literally) with anger said that he was also contemplating legal action against Vayeshnoi. When asked by journalists why he was contemplating this he explained.

“It was I who sanctioned the December coup. For that idiot Vayeshnoi to attribute something I had sanctioned to these two – Jesus and Allah - is abominable. But it’s been a trend in the Fiji Islands lately to attribute everything to these two clowns. Look at May 2000. Hello! Like that was me!”

Satan said that he would be hiring the services of Suva lawyer Tevita Fa.

And in other news …

Satan to apply for vacant Deputy Commander RFMF post


2007 And This Just In …

And This Just In ... - Issue #4

News … whether you like it or not!

Helen and John ‘Friend Cut’ with Frank

The prime ministers of Australia and New Zealand, in a joint press conference in Canberra today said that they were ‘friend cut’ with Fiji’s interim prime minister Frank Bainimarama. This after Bainimarama expelled New Zealand’s High Commissioner to Fiji, Michael Green. When asked by journalists what this new state of affairs meant in political and economic terms the two prime ministers mentioned a list of things that would come under their new ‘Friend Cut Policy’.

“Apart from all the punitive stuff rich and powerful – and White - nations like us do to rogue nations and rogue leaders who refuse to conform to our divinely-ordained standards and principles, Frank will no longer be invited to my place in Wellington like in the good old days when we would dress in kimonos, stay up all night dyeing our hair purple, painting our toe nails green and drinking methylated spirit till we threw up,” said Helen Clarke. “And yes, I am also extremely sorry to tell Frank that I am putting a moratorium, effective immediately, on our annual pillow fight competition.”

Australia’s prime minister was even more ruthless in his treatment of Bainimarama.

“We need to give out a clear signal to Frank that you cannot expel one of our diplomats and hope to get away with it. Firstly as from today the commander will not be allowed to borrow any of my ‘Boyz to Men’ CD’s. Secondly, whenever Frank was in Canberra I used to give him the best back massages – well not anymore! Frank will also have to find a new clubbing and drinking buddy. I had a lot of fun with him in Suva hopping from Traps to Signals to Bali Hai but that’s history now. But I am also delighted to announce that I am appointing Bernando Vunibobo as my official drinking and clubbing buddy. He will be appointed for a two-year term with the usual dental benefits.”

But within hours of announcing the ‘Friend Cut Policy’, Bainimarama reacted with a declaration of his own list of sanctions against Helen and John.

“I will be asking Helen to return all the Avril Lavigne and Hilary Duff posters I have been sending her during the years. As for John, well he had better return the September 2002 issue of Playboy Magazine I lent him … in 2002! I wasn’t saying anything before but by gosh when people borrow something they should have the courtesy to return the item.”

John Howard reacted strongly to Bainimarama’s accusation by saying he didn’t know what he (Bainimarama) was talking about.

“I never borrowed the September 2002 Playboy from Frank. George (Bush) and Tony (Blair) chipped in for it for my birthday.”

And in other news …

Fiji Institute of Technology changes name to University of the South Pacific

©2007 And This Just In …